Boy has this been a bummy summer. Even the movies were lame, except for the 300, which I loved. Last night I wasted my money on the latest Bourne movie. Please - no more jaggedy hand-held cameras. I felt like I had eaten a jar of Ritalin, movie made no sense at all. Maybe I am movied-out. I rejoined Blockbuster online and have been getting so many so fast...sometimes 5 a week with all the freebies for returning them at the store. Today I actually watched a 1988 chestnut, They Live by John Carpenter. Talk about hokey! One of my all-time fave horror movies is his Vampires. Amazing. But this earlier thing is crap. Roddy Piper? Yuck.

Also watched The Pianist, excellent. I had tried to see it at the theater and was so instantly depressed by it I walked out after 15 minutes, so I gave it another go on dvd and saw why it got so many raving reviews. And I also saw Dead Girl this week. What a thoughtful film, but so painful to watch in terms of its depth of emotion that I doubt I will see it again. Just too intensely true to how people react to a tragedy. Also watched Spritied Away, seeking to get in every movie I should have watched and never got around to. Fantastic, bravo! I loved it and I usually loathe anime.

So why all the movies...I am isolating myself, waiting to feel better after dropping Prozac. A few withdrawal phantoms now and then physically, of course, but more importantly, I am just crashy and depressed. This will pass, I am absolutely certain. Or hoping.

My magnificent son is in Taiwan doing workshops for other computer geniuses and is out of reach. Email just ain't the same as talking to him, and I wouldn't tell him what's going on anyway.

It's too damn hot to go outdoors and fuss with my property. Too hot to do much but read and watch movies. My niece is back in New Mexico, living in an adobe house and getting sketchy about Alaska. She will probably stay in NM, and I miss her.

I am grateful for all the AC in my house. It is stuffy though so now and then I walk on the porch till the sweat builds up then dive back to the cool stale air indoors. My office is very very AC'd and I get spoiled Monday - Friday with the filtration system. Monday is coming soon, 8-4:30, 5 days, then another dull eekend. The kids are about to come back and I am at meetings all day -- bored -- but happy to see them when they come. There is nothing so fun as 200 teenageboys in a boarding school.

Had dinner at the priest's house Friday, right on the lake. Kind, intelligent man who entertains with charm. About a dozen faculty and lots of barbecue. Very nice.

Thus summer I am doing what I have tried to do for years: stop taking Prozac. I have been on it for like 15 years, just about since it hit the market maybe. I have tried to get off it many times, and maybe this try will take. I have the 'ole anxiety-panic disorder and a whopping case of seasonal affective disorder. Plus I am clinically depressed. Or so they say...Who knows what the hell you are if you are drugged all the time?

My plan has always been to thoroughly detox and see what's really there. I stopped the Vitamin P about 2 months ago and so far, no problem. Except, of course, I am now somewhat dulled-out, snappish, negative, and staying home alone. These things may diminish - and even if they don't, it's ME and not Phony Pleasant Prozac Woman.

My doctor does not know what I am doing. I stopped therapy also. She is still available and I have a supply of Prozac just in case this does not work out. Plus I have about 200 Ativan (.5 mg), which is great for rough spots. If it gets just unbearable I think I can take an ativan and get chilled, then see if the rough stuff goes longer than a day or two. Even un-depressed people have bad days...why is it that I have to live with an asterisk marking me as depressed? It's time for a try at something else, even if it is a bit dull to start.

This is the longest I have gone without it. Each time before I was SUPER depressed by this time and couldn't get far along enough to feel like it was a thorough detox. I am so hoping that I stay at this minor level of dullness - it isn't that bad. It may get better, and I may be able to live a drug-free life after a few more months. I think my system is slow for now due to of a kind of shock. Maybe I will get used to being MYSELF after a few more months, and will come to feel used to whatever that is. Maybe that's not so bad.

Wish me luck, all you fellow Prozac slaves. It's always easy in the summer -- winter is when I have always crashed, and if I get through the coming dark days, I will be fine.